Just one of them days

My aunts one year anniversary of her passing was this past Monday.   I thought about it for weeks leading up to it.  I cried, smiled, and remembered her and our times together.  When Monday came, I was in a pretty good place.  No tears or sadness.  Just remembrance.
I didn't talk to anyone about it.  I didn't call anyone.  Not even my uncle.  I know that sounds so terrible.  What would I say?  "How are you feeling about the death of your wife?"  I couldn't do it.  He gets so choked up any time I visit and her name comes up.  As much as I hate to admit it, I don't really like going over to the house.  I keep expecting her to come down the stairs and sit in her seat and chat me up like old times.  Instead, I head downstairs to sit on the floor next to my uncle as he watches t.v. and I try to chat him up.  I think Zach is much better at it than I am.  He seems to break down the wall he sometimes has up and gets a response from him.  He's never been a man of many words. He always left that up to her. I just wish there was something I could say to take away his heartache.
I feel guilty for missing her so much sometimes.  She wasn't my biological mother, but she was so close.  I feel like by me missing her as much as I do, I'm taking something away from her real children.  I don't think they know how much she impacted my life and how grateful I am that they shared her with me.
I think watching her die right before my eyes is what makes it so much harder.  It's just like when I lost my mom.  I watched that horrid, wretched cancer take both of them away.  I watched as it caused them pain, made them cry, took their life.  Two women who were equally strong, strikingly beautiful, and loved and cared for others with such passion.  Death is always sad, but I think it is so much more painful when the ones you love have to suffer.  I never thought that after watching my own mother suffer for 14 months and then die that I would have to do it with the woman who so unselfishly took me in and raised me.  I feel like I have been cheated in the mother department.  I had my mom for 14 almost 15 years and then my aunt who cared for me like I was her own, I only had her for 12 years (technically 26 years, but I lived with her for 12).
She made me feel like I belonged somewhere.  That somewhere was with her.  I always felt safe and a part of something when I was with her.  With her gone, I feel so alone at times.  Like I have to fend for myself.
It's been a year of "wait until I tell her...", "I wonder if she would like...", "I need to call...", "wait until she sees that Zach can..." "I should have called more."  "I should have gone over more."  "Why did I let my life get in the way of spending time with her?"  "Did I tell her I loved her enough?"
I know she is with us all of the time from the dream I had about her over the holidays.  Even though she didn't speak to me in the dream, I could tell by her smiles, hand gestures and the way she shoveled the food in her mouth (weird, right?!) that she was ok and that made me feel comforted in a way.
I will always love her and miss her, but I'm pretty sure somehow, somewhere, that she is aware of that and she possibly feels the same way.

Talk Talk Talk Talk

That is all this child does lately!!  If you looked up "jabber jaws" in the dictionary, his picture would most likely be next to it!  I LOVE it!!  Although, when I'm trying to talk on the phone, it can be a bit trying.  I usually have to put him on speaker phone so HE can talk and then afterwards I can talk.  I took him for his 15 month check up last week and his pediatrician said his vocabulary is that of an 18 month old.  I thought that was pretty neat.  He has one phrase that he uses all the time, "oh wow!", and about 10-15 words in his arsenal.  Today he actually used "no" and "yeah" in the correct context.  I was pretty impressed!  My cousin Don said that Zach is practicing to be a southern Baptist preacher because he talks to much and he uses his hands like a maniac!  I thought I used my hands a lot to talk, but this kid has me beat!  I guess I can say he comes by it honestly!

While at his appointment, he was weighed and measured.  Currently, he weighs 24lbs 2oz and is 32in long.  He's pretty tall, but I think that was expected.  He ended up getting two shots which did not fare well with him, but who can blame him.

He's pretty darn cute these days!  He has become mommy's little helper.  He LOVES to help me put clothes in the dryer, take groceries out of the bags, dust, vacuum, and put the dogs in their crates when we leave.  I corral them in their separate crates and close the doors and he gives them their "cookies".  He drops them in there and says "bye bye doggie".  Tell me that's not cute!!  The other day I was trying to rush him out the door and I helped him with the cookies and walked to the living room to get our things and I was calling for him and I could hear him talking, but it wasn't to me.  I walked in the kitchen and he was laying on the floor, on his belly, in front of Abby's crate with his hands and mouth going a mile a minute.  As cute as it was, I had to scoop him up so we could leave.  He made sure to wave and continuously tell them goodbye.  He is TOO funny!!

He is quite independent.  He doesn't want to hold my hand when we walk, doesn't want to sit in carts in stores (he would rather push them from the bottom and dare me to stop to look at things), and the restaurant/high-chair situation is not going well.  He likes the booster seat, but only for a short while.  He would rather get down and go table to table telling everyone "Hiiiiiii!!".  Thank god the folks at the Mexican place we frequent know him and can tolerate his incessant messes and non-stop babbling as he follows them around (within reason!  I don't let him go in the kitchen or anything!).  They just smile and talk back.  That's good customer service (shout out to Santa Fe Grill in Suffolk!)

Other than Zach growing up incredibly too fast, all is well here.  Doug just finished up a conference for the Model United Nations.  His school (ODU) hosts a high school conference every year and this year he was second in charge.  Needless to say, we haven't seen him much during the months of January/February.  I'm hoping that now that it's over, we will see him more.

The ball is bigger than him, but he HAD to have it!

I love this picture.  Since Doug is working and going to school and not home much, Zach likes to be near him when he is.

Reading time with daddy

Independent eating at its best!  Macaroni and cheese night!  As I was taking this picture he was saying "Cheee!"

Say cheee

 These pictures were at Blue Bird Gap in Hampton, VA.  Zach loved all of the animals and barked at almost all of them.  He knows that cows say "moooo", but when asked, every animal either says "mooo" or "bark bark"!

umm...do you see that?

bark bark!  bark bark!

 My cousin Lauren turned 21 this month, so my little family and my in-laws took her out to eat to celebrate!

Happy 21st Birthday, Lauren!

That's about it for now!  I hope everyone is doing well!

Love

Sarah

How many more weeks?

I ask myself that question almost daily.  "How many more weeks of school?".  I think it's somewhere around 14. I don't think this semester would have been as bad, but I'm taking a traditional senior thesis course and I have to write a 30 page paper.  Do dreadful!!  I'm taking 2 classes that I need to graduate and 2 classes that I don't in order to keep my financial aid. I didn't think those classes would require so much work, but I was wrong! 
Doug is doing his school thing.  He says he feels very behind and overwhelmed with his classes.  I have no doubt that he will do extremely well in all of his classes as usual.  He is very busy with the Model UN, too.  ODU hosts a high school conference every year and he is very busy with that.  Hopefully, after next month, we will see more of him.
My dad and Don came to visit last week.  They loved spending time with Zach and seeing all of his new "tricks".  Don had not seen Zach since May, so he had changed a lot from the last time he saw him.  I took them to Williamsburg while they were here.  It was very very chilly.  We did walk around for a little while before we decided we just couldn't do it anymore.  Zach was able to pet a horse while we were there.  It was very exciting for him!  When the horses started to walk away he said "bye bye doggy!"  It was so funny!
My cousin Alexis had her little boy last Monday.  His name is Tiernan Patrick.  He weighed 7lb 2oz.  He is so cute!  Hopefully we can make it to Texas sooner rather than later to meet him.  I hate that my cousins and I live far apart from each other with all of these new babies being born.  My cousin Beth and I don't live THAT far apart (she lives near D.C.), but trying to find time in both of our schedules is hard. 
Doug and I had our very first date night last week.  A date with just the two of us.  No friends or family...or Zach.  We went to The Melting Pot in Virginia Beach.  It was very nice, but very expensive.  I'm trying not to feel guilty about the amount of money that we spent, but it's hard.  I have to keep telling myself that we don't do that all of the time, so it's ok.  I still missed the little boy while we were out, but I knew he was with a very highly qualified babysitter (Doug's mom!). 
Have I mentioned that my cousin Lauren is here for her Naval "A" and "C" school?  Well, she is!  She is stationed at Damn Neck Naval Base in Virginia Beach.  I think she will probably be here for at least 6 months or more.  I surprised my dad and Don at lunch while they were here with her visit.  They were not expecting her to show up because I told them they wouldn't get to see her while they were here since she is new and not aloud off of the base.  HAHAHA!  My dad's face was priceless!  He actually did a double take!
Zach is becoming a lot more fun these days.  We "wrestle" on the couch and dance together.  Zach is a great dancer on his own, so I'm happy when he let's me dance with him!  I wish I could capture his stellar dance moves on video so I could share them with everyone, but as soon as I break out the camera he stops!  Little booger!  He is also back in his very lovey dovey stage with me.  I ADORE him all of the time, but even more when he gives me kisses and pats my back while hugging me!  So sweet!!
I should probably go now.  I have a ton of things to get done with very little energy!

Love,
Sarah

Fa La La La

Merry Merry and a Happy New Year!!  I really can't believe that it is 2011 already!  2010 went by far too quickly.

We had a wonderful Christmas that spanned over a whole week and at 3 homes.  Is that because our family is spread out and some have to work, or is it because we are spoiled?  Hmm...Probably both and I love it!!

On Christmas Eve I took my uncle to dinner with my inlaws (and Zach, of course) and then we went to church.  Zach ended up in the nursery because he wanted to voice his thoughts over and over again.  I was really nervous to leave him in there (and I did hear him cry after he realized I left), but he did well!  When I walked in to pick him up he was snuggled up with a nursery worker fast asleep!  I missed most of the service because of Zach, which was probably a good thing.  What I was there for was too much.  I couldn't even look at my uncle without crying.  He seemed fine, but I knew his heart was breaking not have his love with him on Christmas.  Hell, my heart was breaking not having her there.

The next day we had Christmas just the 3 of us and then went over to Doug's parents.  Zach wasn't the only one who was spoiled this year.  We all got such wonderful gifts.  I am so thankful to have such great families.  Not for the gift part, but because they are so thoughtful.  One of the many cool things that we brought home was Zach's radio flyer all terrain wagon.  How cool is that?!  I took him riding in it the other day to the park and he seemed to really enjoy it.  Doug got the receiver he wanted for surround sound  and I got some beautiful jewelry, a pot/pan hanger, a new bathroom fixture and the list could go on and on...seriously.

I thought we would get together with my family the following day, but it snowed.  A lot.  I'm not talking the piddly dusting we seem to get.  We got 12 inches.  Yes, you read that right.  1 FOOT of snow.   I couldn't believe it.  I seriously have not seen that much snow since I was a kid.  We just don't get that around here.  I actually found it kind of amusing.  It was like the Apocalypse came.  The stores were cleared out, the cities were shut down, everyone was saying they were snowed in and couldn't leave.  I mean I get it, that IS a lot of snow, but I remember (work with me here) growing up and going to school in 4 inches of snow without even the thought of a delay.  Everything was just business as usual.  I know 4 inches isn't 12, but around here it might as well be!

So the Degner family Christmas was postponed a few days (my NJ family got snowed in too) and we celebrated on Wednesday.  More awesome gifts and family time.  I got a really cool cake decorating kit (among other goodies that go with it).  Who knows, maybe I'll be a famous cake maker one day!  Jan, my sister in law, got some cake things too.  Maybe we will both be famous!  I'll let you know when our show airs on Food Network.

Doug FINALLY had his cardiac ablation.  Come to find out, he was born with a concealed accessory pathway.  That basically means he had a faulty circuit or one that he didn't need, so they burned it off.  Doug was asleep for it and the doctor said everything went really well and he should not have any more problems.  Doug is pretty excited because now he can start exercising again without worrying about his heart going crazy.

My baby boy has also learned how to walk...alone...unassisted.  It's so cool and so sad at the same time!!  He started doing it around the 21st of December.  I can't believe he's walking!!  Time really really needs to slow down!!

I hope everyone had an amazing holiday!

Love,

Sarah

Zach showing his Moo Moo how he can walk

He goes most places with him

Johnson Family 2010

These are my dolls and "Whack" needs to leave them alone

my future musician 

Can we go outside too?!

Gulliver 

Is that another goldfish?

It's been longer than I thought since I wrote last!  We have done some exciting things since then, however!
Doug and I celebrated our birthdays.  Mine was on the 30th and his was December 7th.  For my birthday Doug gave me a netbook and a gps system.  I actually couldn't believe he got me those two things!!  I LOVE the gps and the computer is good, but it would be better if it were faster!!  I just don't have the patience for that little 1gb netbook!  Doug had a pretty good birthday as well.  I designed a Buffalo Bills sweatshirt for him and he got surround sound speakers for the living room.  I guess that's a gift for the whole family, but he's the one who wanted it!  We also had two dinners.  One with my family and the other with his.
School is over for the semester!  Finally!!  I'm just waiting for two more grades to come in so I know how I did. I've done better, that's for sure, but it wasn't terrible.  Word of advice, don't take a foreign language online.  You will fail.
Zach and I went to meet our newest cousin Audrey this past weekend (my cousin Elizabeth had her in September).  Audrey is a sweet baby with rolls for days!!  It is so cute!!  I love all of her sweet chubby rolls of goodness!  Zach had a great time playing with Beth's dog, Dora.  She is so incredibly playful.  We were chasing her and she would go from room to room as if she were hiding from us, but wanted us to find her!  Zach laughed the whole time!  She is also very protective of the little ones.  Beth has stairs and of course Zach wanted to climb them.  I told Dora to go get him and not let him go up the steps and she would go over and lick him as if to make him stop.  If he was able to get past her, she would lay down on the steps blocking his way and lick him.  It was so neat to see, and pretty funny.  I wish our dogs were like that.  They could care less about Zach.  They wouldn't rescue him if he were about to fall off a cliff.  We also saw my brother and his girlfriend Jessye while we were there.  She is 13 weeks pregnant now and finally starting to have a little baby bump.  It's very cute.  As nervous as I am for them, I'm pretty excited to have a new niece or nephew!
Let me say that it is very trying traveling alone with a one year old.  He did pretty well on the way up, but dinner was a bit challenging and the ride home had its moments.  I had to stop at Wawa on the way back to get gas and change him and I learned that Wawa does not have facilities for you to change your child.  I was shocked.  What major gas station/food source, one off of a major highway, doesn't have a changing station?! The Wawa outside of Fredericksburg, that's who.  So I changed him in the back seat of our truck, with his little bum sticking out, in the cold rainy weather.  He cried and screamed the entire time.  I would have gotten in and closed the doors, but 1, you have to first close the back door in order to close the front door and 2, there wasn't enough room for the both of us back there.  Thanks Wawa.  So in effort to try and make it up to him, I bought him a very small package of goldfish crackers.  His favorite.  He was doing really well putting his little hand in the bag and pulling out 1 or 2 at a time and then I got on the on ramp to 95 and heard a rip and then a giggle.  That is NEVER good.  I turned around and somehow he was able to rip the bag in 2 spots and the inevitable was about to happen.  Thankfully I had some bags in my purse (the ones you can put dirty diapers in) and I grabbed the back and carefully put the fish inside the other bag.  Needless to say, I still need to take the dirt devil to the carseat. So for about 15 miles he picked at the goldfish that were in his lap and under his butt.  I slept pretty good that night.
I think that is all for now.  I need to go check on him.  He's too quiet.

love
Sarah

Gobble Gobble

2 days ago was Thanksgiving.  This was my first Thanksgiving in 12 years that I didn't spend with my family.  This was also my first Thanksgiving without my aunts amazing pumpkin roll.  As horrible as this will probably sound, this was not one of my favorite years of Thanksgiving.  My cousins and uncle drove to NJ to spend the holiday with my other cousins and the ones that live in FL now drove to PA to spend it with their son.  All of which are totally understandable, but I missed them.
Doug worked on Thanksgiving and Zach and I went over to my sister in laws and had an untraditional Thanksgiving of make your own pizza.  Very different from Thanksgiving with turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, etc.!  Last night, I had Doug's parents and cousin over for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner.  His parents made the ham and a gigantic turkey and I made a green bean casserole (a healthier version of the old standby), peas with shallots and pancetta, stuffing (this did come out of a box), mascarpone cheese mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole with a brown sugar and pecan topping, rolls, cranberry sauce (can again because I like it that way!) and I made my moms double layer pumpkin pie.  That was very nostalgic for me.  This was my first time making such a big meal.  I loved it!  I wish I could cook like that for people all the time!  I love big family get togethers (although this one wasn't big.  My house won't allow for that).

Let me back track and tell you about Zach's birthday party.  I know that since he's one, he won't remember his first birthday party, but I wanted a nice one for him.  Since my house is pretty tiny, we had the party at Doug's parents.  It was Mickey Mouse themed and he had an amazing cake from the Custom Cake Shoppe.  My dad came from Texas to help us celebrate and my brother and his girlfriend came down.  Zach had so many friends and family to help him celebrate.  Let me just say, he is one loved little boy.  If any one who came to the party reads this little blog, thank you so much for making his 1st birthday party a great one!

In other news...I guess I can tell you this now...I'm going to be an aunt again!  My brother and his girlfriend, Jessye, are expecting their first baby June 18th.  She is 11 weeks pregnant right now.  I will admit, I was shocked and furious when he first told me!  I just think that they are way too young to have a baby.  He is 19 and she is 18.  But, I've had 11 weeks to get over it and now I'm pretty excited.  I've already started getting things together for them and giving them things that we won't use or aren't using anymore (takes up less space in my house!).  While my concerns for them and the baby are still present, I can't let them overshadow the excitement of a new baby.  I can just try and be there for them the best I can.

I guess that's all for now.  I wish I could post pictures, but apparently I'm a little slow when it comes to putting them up here.  Something always happens and they end up on the top, in a corner, not in the right order...I'm going to have to practice some more.

Love,
Sarah

A whole year!

Honestly...where did the last year go?  My sweet baby boy turned 1 on the 15th and I'm not sure I'm over the sadness of it!  I just can't seem to wrap my head around him being 1.  He's not that itsy bitsy baby anymore that used to fit so perfectly right in the middle of my chest while he slept.  Now he lays his head on one of my shoulders and his legs hang off the other side!  I will say this, while I am sad that he is no longer a baby baby, he continues to amaze me everyday with what he learns and that is so cool!

He is so incredibly smart, funny and loving.  He's so perfect.